Faith

In the beginning of my faith journey I looked for men in the Bible that I could relate to. There’s Joseph in the book of genesis. Then Job. Daniel and the lion’s den. Paul imprisoned for the latter half of his life. While these are helpful, I was always aware that my situation is not exactly similar to Joseph, Job, Daniel, or Paul. These men didn’t necessarily put themselves in their predicament by the mistakes they made. I did. I carried an extra layer of guilt and shame that was hard to overcome. I went through many stages. For the longest, I questioned whether God loved me at all. My prayers went unanswered, my life had become infinitely worse, and the very people I knew and trusted that claim to be Christians, turned their back on me. But there were always a few, whose support didn’t waver. They held strong in their faith in God and the belief that they knew who I was in their heart. I’m thankful to them and God for not giving up on me, even when I wanted to give up on myself. 

During my most difficult time, I was constantly seeking God. I began to grow increasingly frustrated because he wasn’t seeming to meet me with his presence. I continued to read, pray, and push myself to grow in my faith and believe things would change any day now, but I felt nothing. I can’t tell you how many times I begged God from my knees to save my family from falling apart, but he chose not to. I felt like I was walking through the desert alone, starving, and thirsty for something to give me hope that I would make it through this trial. I knew through faith our marriage could be saved. We had already been through so much. But it takes two to walk out that faith. I was faced with the reality of going to prison in August 2020. By December I was made aware of my wife’s affair, and by May, of her engagement to another man. We were still married so I was still hopeful. I prayed and had faith, but to no avail.
Since that time, I’ve grown exponentially. I’ve grown to know that God knows what’s best for us because most of the time, we don’t. He revealed things to me about myself and those around me that needed revealing. He revealed to me that while divorce is wrong, I wasn’t perfect either. We had been fighting about several things in the years leading up to my prison sentence. Questions of loyalty and trust in my wife had caused me to toy with the idea of stepping out of my marriage several times. Sometimes taking it to the brink before something would save me. I had failed her also. Over time, God would reveal things to me that made me understand why my marriage was not restored. That’s when I started to grow in my understanding that He is with me and is guiding my path. 

Today my faith is stronger than ever. I believe God has a plan for my life, but it’s my job to live the way I’m instructed to by His word. I’m still far from perfect, but the desire to do His will is greater than ever before. I continue to seek God and understand my spirituality at a much deeper and more intimate level. I think that this desire alone, will help me to feel God’s presence in my life more and more.

God Bless.