“If you’re not happy with your life, you can change it in two ways: either improve the conditions in which you live or improve your inner spiritual state. The first is not always possible, but the second is.” -Leo Tolstoy
As I’m only days away from my release, I find myself thinking about all I’ve gone through over the last three years. I’ve taken the time to perform a self-evaluation and progress report of sorts on how effective I’ve been at achieving the goals I set in the beginning.
One of these goals was to improve my inner spiritual state. I obviously had no control over, nor could I improve the conditions in which I lived, but I could control my reaction to those conditions. My spiritual growth was, and still is, of utmost importance to me. As I prepare to leave, I am grateful that I have had the opportunity to grow as much as I have in this area. It is something I will continue to prioritize and sharpen as I return to society. I look forward to having more resources to pour myself into by being able to attend church again and connect with mentors that can guide me through some of my questions that I still have.
Another area of preparation for me was education. I’ve never been a fan or one to have an idle mind. I’ve set out to learn about a variety of topics that I would have otherwise not taken the time to read about. Education has always been important to me, so this season of my life presented a unique opportunity. I’ve educated myself on everything from leadership to psychology, stock markets, spirituality, philosophy and some of the most profound fiction books ever written. One of my goals is to finish my master’s degree when I’m out. I will have to overcome a major financial hurdle, but I believe God will provide.
I hope to have several job opportunities as a result of my efforts. The way I’ve always carried myself and my true character has never been in question by those close to me and I hope that brings some opportunities my way. I don’t yet have a clear direction besides finishing the degree, so for now. That’s the first step. The Bureau of Prisons doesn’t make it easy on you as you return. I think I will have about four months left where I can only go to school, work or home. That will be ok with me though. I have a lot of work to do in many areas and I look forward to that.
I doubt that my daily routine will change much. I tend to spend my quiet time with the Lord prior to breakfast at 5:30 or 6:00 AM. Then I check emails, make a list of tasks I need to complete for the day, go to work, workout in the afternoon, and then before wrapping up my day, I read, write, or play the guitar. As I get back to my normal life, I will be very focused on my health. I’m sure that it would come as no shock to you that prison is one of the most unhealthy places. I think that the chicken we eat says “not for human consumption” right on the box, yet they feed it to us for most meals.
I’m also looking forward to reconnecting with my friends and family. They have been my life support through this storm. I’m looking forward to the opportunity to be “part of” again, after a long three years away. I’m sure I will be met with a lot of questions and the only way I know to answer them will require me to be open and honest. I’m OK with that. I’m no longer as concerned with how people will judge me. I’m more focused on living my life out the way I need to in order to be the best version of myself.
Lastly, but certainly not least is my relationship with my daughters. I can’t even express how much I’ve missed them. The minutes that we can talk on the phone are limited in here, so I can only call them twice a week, but I never miss a call. It’s the highlight of my week! I’ve been consistent for three years. I would be lying to myself to think that my absence hasn’t been damaging to my relationship with them. I will be focused on doing everything in my power to rebuild that relationship so that they can get used to having their Daddy around again. I never missed a day with them prior to this and I feel that I did a tremendous job as sole provider for my wife and kids. However, I will have to negotiate time with my children now after a divorce. It’s a delicate situation that I’m trying to remain open minded about in order to have the best possible outcome for my children.
At this point I am thankful to bring the season to a close, but I know that this is where the work truly starts. In all honesty, I have more questions than answers about how these next several months will look. My hope is that I will get a good advocate in the probation office so I can continue to work toward a brighter future for me and my daughters. I have faith that God is in control. I know he will make a way and open doors and my job is to be prepared to walk through them.