I was released from the Federal Corrections Camp in Texarkana on July 13th. Since that time it has been a whirl-wind of things coming at me and me trying to navigate life and get back on my feet. The most important thing is that I remain grateful to be out of such a terrible place and begin the journey of moving forward with my life.
There is a saying that goes, “The more things change, the more they stay the same.” Well that has certainly been true as I’ve tried to re-adjust. It’s like time just sort of stood still during the 3 years I was away. Everyone has basically just gotten older but is still the same. Now, I don’t know what I expected, but the changes that happened in me were so profound that I guess I naivelly thought I would come back and everyone would have changed too. I know that’s such a weird thought, but it’s true.
I have had people in my life that have been incredibly supportive, I’ve had close friends who haven’t even reached out, I’ve had people who are scared of me because of being a felon. There is one thing that has been palpable during my re-integration and that has been judgment. The world is judging each other by the second. A lot of people seem to have an opinion on what everyone else is doing, and how they are doing it, but are scared to death to look into their own life and evaluate how they themselves are tracking. Social media has been overwhelming. I see people living their lives out on it, as if it’s reality. It saddens me. Mostly because once you take all that away, you start to learn who you really are again. Prior to my incarceration, I was caught up in it too. The truth is that as much as you want to think that all your friends care about what you had for breakfast….they really don’t. If I interact with social media, it’s usually to fill some hole I have in my life. It’s so easy to get caught right back up into that and lose yourself.
Upon entering the half-way house I was given a short period of time to find employment. The man in charge of job placement is very direct, which I can appreciate. Yet, he treats everyone like a drug dealer who is trying to get over on him. This wasn’t helpful at all in finding proper work. He claims to be smarter and different, but in reality he is just like everyone else in the system. Being smarter and having discernement means to be able to look at each case different and allow people to grow and become successful again. I am just happy to have a network of people who have helped me find something temporary until I can get a better opportunity.
There have been many unforeseen challenges in building a relationship back with friends and family. The system will tell you that it’s so important. They do this while tying your hands and feet up and not allowing you to actually do so. Although this was unforeseen, I did in many ways expect this. I continue to seek out those I love and work hard to build these relationships back.
So for now, the most important thing is pushing myself to be better everyday than I was the day before. This has always been a motto of mine and I, at one time, lost sight of this. I’m not going to let this happen again. Thank you to all who have prayed and supported me on this journey and I’m committed to re-writing this story of my life.
-Derek